36 years ago, my 16 year old mother had me. She came home to my nannas (her mother). From there a small team of my nanna, aunts, and mom raised me. The one that shined the most to me, my Nanna. She wasn’t dealt an easy hand ever. Something I have learned over the years though, often, the ones who have had little and suffered a lot are the ones who will give the most.
May 2019 we received a call that my Nanna has lung cancer. Fast forward it’s malignant small cell and she opted for no treatment. Legal papers and wishes ensued and we started trying to spend time as if we never knew when the last day was.
My mom out of nowhere stepped up and took her in 24/7 which is a huge blessing. I am ever grateful that she did that. We spent many a days all together. Her loving on her little “Chipotle”, me growing closer to my mom, prouder, and more understanding of her. Trying to savor each moment. It’s a strange thing to know someone is dying so much quicker right in front of your eyes.
You can’t hold their hand long enough, those hugs are too short. You start asking questions you had always wanted to ask. You wonder where their heart is. You stare at them a little longer. You’re kinder. You don’t expect much, just love and time.
I started feeling guilty living my life though. To a degree I felt guilty whenever I wasn’t with her or enjoying myself doing something. She told me herself “go have fun, you deserve it”. She always encouraged me to spread my wings, always told me to follow my heart. She was always there every single time I made a mistake. And I made so many. So very many.
I found out I was pregnant, she was initially angered at me because she just knew I’d go off and do “more”, but very quickly she was right behind me and told me it would be fine. I went in to labor with Gwen, she showed straight up the hospital and said quietly and lovingly the whole time. Having her always made me feel it would be okay. Nanna never left me while I was a single parent. She never left me when I was in the Masters program and working, she was always there to listen, always there to watch Gwen, always there. She was right there encouraging me to give Eric a chance. She watched us wed and supported me through the trials of new marriage. She supported me while I was a new step mom. She always led me with love and encouraged me to be patient and loving to all.
I failed her often. I hope I never disappointed her too badly. I watched her step up for her loved ones over and over. I aspire to be like that. I pray my legacy is that everyone knew I would help in any way I could.
When my uncle passed, my nannas first child and only son, she changed. I knew it right away. Life would never be the same, shortly thereafter, we lost his son, tragically. Both deaths left massive holes in everyone. More specifically her though. We aren’t supposed to lose our children. Even though she was broken, she still tried to give what she had.
I remember being hurt, because she locked her bedroom door and she didn’t open it when I knocked. Now, I’m a mother, I can’t imagine. And I only wish I knew to be more supportive and loving to her at that time. I didn’t know though. I told her later on over and over how I hoped I had never hurt her. She always said I didn’t. Who knows, it’s past now. My advice to anyone reading this though, just remember that. When you see people hurting, be kind. Don’t worry about being right, just be kind.
My heart will ache to see her again as long as I breathe on this earth. I know without a doubt, I will see her again. She taught me my love for the lord, as she had it. This is comforting.
I realized something in all of this. In the words of a show I saw recently “I’m okay with living, living is good. I’m even okay with dying, but this waiting to die thing is not okay”.
I realized, I wanted 20 more years. Was even bold enough to pray for them. I knew God could do whatever he willed. I also knew, she was tired. She had most likely been waiting to see her son. She served the world to the best of her ability. Maybe I needed to know that God was ready to let her rest. I was there with my two aunts, holding her hand as she drifted off. So slowly, so peacefully. It was heartbreaking but also comforting to know it was not painful and she was surrounded by loved ones.
I know why I am so devastated by losing my Nanna.
She literally loved me like God loves us. Nothing I ever did, she would never hurt me or make me feel bad. She loved me unconditionally through my worst. She never gave up and was always a safe space for me when I would roam and then come back. Steady. And she taught me sooooooo much. Like No one has loved me like her. People hurt people, it’s what we do. Somehow though she managed to always protect my feelings and lift me up. I can’t imagine the days she was tired, hurt, struggling, and I never knew it. She was so strong. I just won’t ever not miss her, not for a day.
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