A tale of three professionals working on one f’d up little girl.
We should take a moment to laugh at the fact that I have had FOUR hour long counseling sessions this week. I mean, hey, nothing says I couldn’t use more.
I feel lighter. I do feel hopeful. I find it very funny that in a short period of time these individuals have learned to speak to me in a way that lets me know they “get me”.
Comments like “how about you write this down before you say it?” And, “write down what you’re feeling when you’re emotional and then process it is worth feeling or what compartment you need to pack it up in.” Even I’m amazed sometimes at my lack of embarrassment for myself. I literally never feel embarrassed.
Dang, I didn’t do this to myself on purpose though. Sure , I made some dumb choices….okay maybe a lot. However, I never tried to let them define me. I never tried to let them get me down.
And for someone who has had everything under the sun go wrong in life, I sure am one optimistic ball of nerves. I pray that rubs off on those around me. I pray at the minimum people see me and think, I can have hope too. Or at the least, they can laugh.
I did break down, ugly sobbing. Like sniveling crying. I mentioned Dave Forbes. Man those were the good days at the River. Josh, Dave, and Becky. You couldn’t find a more hard working, knowledgeable, loving, funny, and caring team. These guys busted their butts day in and day out for the whole River. With them in charge, we always knew everything would be okay.
Now it’s all different. We lost Dave. That sucks. Like in a monumental way. Now we lost Buzzo this year. Let’s not mention my two grandmothers, my god daughter, and my dear friend I’ve also lost in the last 18 months. It’s a lot of loss.
There are large human size holes in my life. In my heart. And in those of the ones these people loved and loved them back. IT SUCKS. We all still have each other, but life has changed. It won’t ever be the same. Change can be good. There is still more good to come. This season right here though, lamest one I’ve had in a good long while.
I did mention to my coach tonight, COVID had a lot of positives too though. I spent the last month of my nannas life Undistracted. I got months on end to spend with my toddler who is growing up way too fast.
I mean, look at this face! Who couldn’t be thankful for her, and time with her?? She’s wild. Don’t get me wrong. She’s the one God said “Oh, you want ANOTHER child?” I wouldn’t have her any other way.
It’s worth mentioning that both times I found out I was pregnant I IMMEDIATELY and without fail prayed for two beautiful girls that I would get to be so close to and do all the fun things with. God did not disappoint me AT ALL.
I literally knew God was no doubt real, the second I looked in Gwen’s eyes. She was perfection. I have forever felt so grateful to be lent these girls on this earth for the time that God has granted us. I have felt nothing better.
This comes up in counseling a lot. My obsession with my kids. I’m working on the healthy part of it. I used the phrase today “I’m possessive over my kids”. Words were thrown back at me like “needs” “control” “filling”. All accurate. I just want to be the best version of myself so that my girls see what a strong healthy woman looks like.
I am strong, just not as healthy as I could be. This past year and a half has provided lots of sadness. Which bubbled up lots and lots of sadnesses from my past. I’ll sort them out. So far so good, I’ll keep you guys posted.
Until next week, peace, love, and hair grease. Xo
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