Christmas’ish

I’ve never felt more Christmasy or less. Simultaneously.

I decorated, more and less than I usually do.

I’ve overloaded on Christmas music.

I’ve not purchased as many gifts. I don’t believe gifts are synonymous with Merry Christmas, so this is not a negative thing.

I think there are a few reasons for my remiss Christmas spirit. Some are old, some are new. I feel all are legitimate. I am not pressuring myself to push past these feelings or authenticate something that isn’t there.

Firstly, I’ve lost a lot over the past year and a half. People, relationships, trust, dynamics. So the circle I once had to try to squeeze time in to see them all….has shrunk. It hurts. I do miss that. So much was not any of my “doing”. Therefore, I can’t beat myself up for setting boundaries. Doesn’t mean I don’t miss or wish well for the many that are now out of that circle.

As for the ones who passed on, I’m happy for them. They are free. Free from the draining and oftentimes harsh world we are in. However, I am grateful for the good in the world that is still around. I work with a group of people that have hearts of good, I have friends that I’ve never seen purer hearts, I go to church with people that love unconditionally.

One of my co workers makes me feel like I’m never doing enough, by the sheer fearlessness that she throws herself out to the world to offer her gifts. I’m her work boyfriend so it’s apparent in our relationship who leveled up.

I see these things as blessings. To have people that pass away and leave an immense hole in your heart means that you loved and were loved back, intensely.

Another reason is our two week RV trip we took at Thanksgiving. I never realized how pertinent this timeframe was to kickstarting Christmas for me. I apparently use that break as the starting line to a month long tradition of Christmas things. I’m okay with this. I’m okay that I took that trip and the result was a slower and lessened start to Christmas decorations and festivities.

I have to give a nod to the condition of Christian’s across the nation. Christian’s are famous for talking out about the “War On Christian’s”. Ironically it’s their bony fingered, hard nosed, squinty eyed condemnation, harsh judgements, better than thou, hiding my own sins, it’s all for the glory of God two facedness that is single-handedly driving kids from their home churches, not drawing in the lost, causing current Christian’s to feel dismal and unworthy. We don’t show enough boots on the ground love. We don’t reach out our hands to those who have fallen. We pick and choose who “deserves” our precious time and resources. That we worked so very hard for. No mention that God filled our cup up and over just so that we could give and give and keep giving without ever deciding whether someone “got theirselves in that position” or it will “enable them not to work”.

It’s a tough pill to swallow to acknowledge that so many I thought I’d never live up to as I was growing up, are weak, small minded, hateful, and all the things I was taught not to be, but behind closed doors is all it is.

I feel a shift coming, I’m forever hopeful in humanity, and I always know God is in perfect control. So I’ll do the little parts I can do each day to show His true love. I will still wish Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, or whatever reaches someone’s heart. I’ll still repent for when I know I didn’t do right, when I know Jesus would’ve never. I am never too far past to think that I’ll ever do it all right or even relatively close.

I am so very excited to see Shiloh on Christmas morning. She genuinely has started to grasp the idea, she has loved our family trips together, she loves giving and has been so excited to prepare for others. Warms a mamas heart.

I pray that each and everyone finds some peace, comfort, and happiness in this Christmas season. It’s been hard on all of us. I haven’t seen a person around me that hasn’t felt the wrath of life. I want to wrap each one in a warm hug. My home and heart are open. A call or a test a way.

So love to all! Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays.