Parenting regrets…

I don’t waste time with regret. Much like anger, sadness, bitterness…I find them places to visit but I don’t unpack and live there. Ever.

I’ve known from a young age that life is very precarious and not promised. Why waste it in emotions and mindsets that aren’t fruitful or joyful?

However, growth comes from reflection and inner seeking of where lessons are to be learned. I do this daily if not hourly at times. It can seem self centered but I’ve always lived in a constant state of feeling responsible for the feelings and well being of everyone around me.

It has taken me much therapy, faith, and years to accept that, in fact, very little of what I choose actually changes the trajectory for others. That we are each -responsible for our very own happiness. It’s a strange idea that I always knew I was the only one that could make me truly happy yet I simultaneously believe I was somehow responsible for everyone else’s pain and misery.

In this searching internally, I’ve realized that I would’ve liked to have gained some of this wisdom back when I had Gwendolyn. I realize now that I was driven greatly by two things. Firstly, that she grow up significantly better than I did. Secondly, that I prove that I was fit to be her parent due to the doubt of many around me. Society’s standards, even.

I recognize, in that quest, I likely stole some of her childhood and joy. I constantly would expect from her to be well behaved, to be mature, to be helpful and understanding. I didn’t let her be very messy, I didn’t let her run wild often.

I was so scared to be unfit. As a nineteen year old single mother, I was terrified of screwing this angelic baby up. On one hand the people telling me I was a great mom fell on deaf ears. On the other hand every doubt and criticism rang so loud in my ears it almost paralyzed me.

I could see this precious life that was reliant on me, I had no tools to know how to properly raise her. Sure, I knew to feed, hold, change, keep warm and safe. These were easily accomplished basics. It’s all the other “stuff” no one can tell you.

At thirty-five when I announced my pregnancy with my second child, everyone was ecstatic. No one doubted me or my abilities. Which is a strange thing to me considering I am the same person. Granted, a bit wiser and a little more financially stable. However, my tenacity to overcome adversity and my drive to do what’s best for my children is just the same and maybe even less prudent.

This time around, my child is allowed to be wild, messy, exploratory. Granted, she’s a lot. I catch myself worrying in the back of my head that maybe I should subdue her some. Instead I focus on guiding her to be a good person, a conscientious person, but a person who sees opportunities and learns, thrives, finds happiness in all the things she can.

It makes me sad that maybe I robbed Gwen of that in some ways. I know she knows I did all I’ve done out of love and honestly, some out of the fact that often, I was purely surviving. We were surviving. Just us, two young girls in the crazy world trying to keep our peace and learn to grow and thrive.

In hindsight, Gwen and I had many many good memories and grew together so beautifully. I am proud of us. God loaned me the most wonderful human I’ve ever met. I’m so proud to have played a small role in her life. She is all the things good in the world. She taught me to love, slow down, speak easy, priorities, grace, and a strength I never knew. She is honestly a shining light that you feel good just to be in her presence. I can always trust her to have great instincts and do the “right thing”. She has a silent strength that so many her age don’t have.

Now God has loaned me a wild and free spirit who loves and fights with the same fierceness. She teaches me patience, acceptance, opens my mind further than I imagined. Her love is her own and she only shows it when she genuinely wants to. So if you experience it, you know she’s means it with all of her little being. She’s my outlier, she may get into mischief but she’ll get herself out of it too. She has a brut strength that I see in myself as well.

I don’t live in regret. I recognize what I feel I could improve and I mourn the “what ifs” then let it go and commit to do better. My girls will always have me as long as I have a breath to breathe. I feel so very amazingly blessed to be on this winding road of life with these two humans. I’ll spend all my days growing and learning so that I can be the best support to them that they’ll ever need at any moment.