There are those of us that despite the pains and the immense feeling of just never quite being good enough regardless of our innate desire to continue to give our absolute best at everything, but we won’t let the world best us and we refuse to be victims or accept that we in fact can not make the absolute best of what we can. To just wake each day to wonder can we actually do it, to just do it again and again with this undeniable hope and optimism that can’t be extinguished.
Let us not forget though, that we possess this realism. We absolutely see the complacency, self centeredness, lost, and even evil ways of the world and people around us. If we deep dive on it, we lose it. The empathy in us can’t continue to think of the damage that is so willingly or carelessly done to the human race every moment. We well up inside to go save the world with our love. A world that many in it wouldn’t want to be saved if we even could do it. So we place the lid back on this overfilled chasm and go on resolving to just do the tiniest things we can each moment.
We see the day not as 24 hours or as Friday, we see it second to second as a million little facial expressions, a thousand nuances, infinite opportunities of making decisions. Decisions we can’t possibly ever know if are right or wrong, is there even such a thing as right or wrong in the absolute? It’s so subjective. We know that the slightest variances can change the entire course of our lives and write our histories out.
The possibilities are all endless yet they are so short and measured in the finite amount of beats our hearts get each life. We so often aren’t aware as a culture, but people like me, we are hyper aware. We are often told to not take it too serious. In some ways, we are more resilient and things don’t alter us like they do others. Yet there is almost nothing that doesn’t pass through our spirit filters. Our souls scanning each fiber of the fabric of such that is called life.
Therefore, simultaneously feeling everything while often toning it down to feel nothing. It’s a superpower, honestly. In those moments though that the emotions actually formulate the way neurotypical humans tend to experience them and we feel the tightness in our chests, the pits in our stomach, the burn in our eyes we wonder how to bear it, but not rush through it, so we need to find the lesson in it? Is this to be a teaching tool? Is this to be a testimony? Or is this to be processed quietly and stored away in the extensionally deep vault of our souls.
To just add to the depth and perception of our minds that are constantly scanning ourselves, our environments, our community, our world, our faith and Father looking to be of use and to never miss a calling, to try to embrace it all and find the joys where they are, yet to not only focus on ourselves while simultaneously trying to practice self care. But we can face those times of trying our level best to recall up a tear, a memory, a feeling.
To just pull up a well of air, open thought and the lack of ability to put our hands on one singular emotion or coherent thought, like water running through the creases of our desperate hands clasped so tightly together trying to grasp even the smallest bit to hold. If one doesn’t relate this will surely sound like the diary of a madman. In that off chance you relate then this may feel like that warmest safest memory you possess that you may not even consciously recall but you’ve never felt so seen or safe as in that recollection.
The times that it feels as if we float outside of ourselves seeing life as a movie almost. There’s this distinction between what we see and what we are experiencing, for it to be processed at a later date in depth. With all these “well what if I had said this instead, or why did they do that”. This deep regret that we may not be actually “living in the moment”. However, this is a defense mechanism built it far before we were conscious of it. For many, like myself, we experience such events, traumas, people who were supposed to protect us and provide stability and they did not. Teaching us before we ever stood a chance, to keep our heads on a swivel, to be cognizant of every mood change, every motion in an attempt to protect ourselves, our siblings, our parents from theirselves from what was looming.
A life like this, creates many deep chasms of being. We adapt very quickly to respond as effectively as possible to the onslaught of stimulus, changes, stress. We take on the roles of protector, leaders and the brunt taker because we became so much better at it than our neurotypical counterparts. This quickness on our feet doesn’t allow for us to settle well, to be still, to savor things in real time. Which is a pain that can’t be expressed because we are fully aware of this shortcoming.
This all seems to be the unsolvable problem in our lives. Balance, presence, and overall well being. The grand question is though, is it really a problem? Sometimes things just are. Ambiguous, subjective, is this way of being wrong if it is what it is. Who and what is it actually hurting? Is it us, just never feeling as if we belong, or are normal?
That alone sets my soul afire because the world is a vast place, inside of a universe that possesses more possibilities than we can fathom. Meaning, we should never feel like we don’t belong in a world of the most diverse ways of life, cultures, humans, spirits….how can we not belong if anyone can?
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