There are those of us that despite the pains and the immense feeling of just never quite being good enough regardless of our innate desire to continue to give our absolute best at everything, but we won’t let the world best us and we refuse to be victims or accept that we in fact can not make the absolute best of what we can. To just wake each day to wonder can we actually do it, to just do it again and again with this undeniable hope and optimism that can’t be extinguished.

Let us not forget though, that we possess this realism. We absolutely see the complacency, self centeredness, lost, and even evil ways of the world and people around us. If we deep dive on it, we lose it. The empathy in us can’t continue to think of the damage that is so willingly or carelessly done to the human race every moment. We well up inside to go save the world with our love. A world that many in it wouldn’t want to be saved if we even could do it. So we place the lid back on this overfilled chasm and go on resolving to just do the tiniest things we can each moment.

We see the day not as 24 hours or as Friday, we see it second to second as a million little facial expressions, a thousand nuances, infinite opportunities of making decisions. Decisions we can’t possibly ever know if are right or wrong, is there even such a thing as right or wrong in the absolute? It’s so subjective. We know that the slightest variances can change the entire course of our lives and write our histories out.

The possibilities are all endless yet they are so short and measured in the finite amount of beats our hearts get each life. We so often aren’t aware as a culture, but people like me, we are hyper aware. We are often told to not take it too serious. In some ways, we are more resilient and things don’t alter us like they do others. Yet there is almost nothing that doesn’t pass through our spirit filters. Our souls scanning each fiber of the fabric of such that is called life.

Therefore, simultaneously feeling everything while often toning it down to feel nothing. It’s a superpower, honestly. In those moments though that the emotions actually formulate the way neurotypical humans tend to experience them and we feel the tightness in our chests, the pits in our stomach, the burn in our eyes we wonder how to bear it, but not rush through it, so we need to find the lesson in it? Is this to be a teaching tool? Is this to be a testimony? Or is this to be processed quietly and stored away in the extensionally deep vault of our souls.

To just add to the depth and perception of our minds that are constantly scanning ourselves, our environments, our community, our world, our faith and Father looking to be of use and to never miss a calling, to try to embrace it all and find the joys where they are, yet to not only focus on ourselves while simultaneously trying to practice self care. But we can face those times of trying our level best to recall up a tear, a memory, a feeling.

To just pull up a well of air, open thought and the lack of ability to put our hands on one singular emotion or coherent thought, like water running through the creases of our desperate hands clasped so tightly together trying to grasp even the smallest bit to hold. If one doesn’t relate this will surely sound like the diary of a madman. In that off chance you relate then this may feel like that warmest safest memory you possess that you may not even consciously recall but you’ve never felt so seen or safe as in that recollection.

The times that it feels as if we float outside of ourselves seeing life as a movie almost. There’s this distinction between what we see and what we are experiencing, for it to be processed at a later date in depth. With all these “well what if I had said this instead, or why did they do that”. This deep regret that we may not be actually “living in the moment”. However, this is a defense mechanism built it far before we were conscious of it. For many, like myself, we experience such events, traumas, people who were supposed to protect us and provide stability and they did not. Teaching us before we ever stood a chance, to keep our heads on a swivel, to be cognizant of every mood change, every motion in an attempt to protect ourselves, our siblings, our parents from theirselves from what was looming.

A life like this, creates many deep chasms of being. We adapt very quickly to respond as effectively as possible to the onslaught of stimulus, changes, stress. We take on the roles of protector, leaders and the brunt taker because we became so much better at it than our neurotypical counterparts. This quickness on our feet doesn’t allow for us to settle well, to be still, to savor things in real time. Which is a pain that can’t be expressed because we are fully aware of this shortcoming.

This all seems to be the unsolvable problem in our lives. Balance, presence, and overall well being. The grand question is though, is it really a problem? Sometimes things just are. Ambiguous, subjective, is this way of being wrong if it is what it is. Who and what is it actually hurting? Is it us, just never feeling as if we belong, or are normal?

That alone sets my soul afire because the world is a vast place, inside of a universe that possesses more possibilities than we can fathom. Meaning, we should never feel like we don’t belong in a world of the most diverse ways of life, cultures, humans, spirits….how can we not belong if anyone can?

I don’t waste time with regret. Much like anger, sadness, bitterness…I find them places to visit but I don’t unpack and live there. Ever.

I’ve known from a young age that life is very precarious and not promised. Why waste it in emotions and mindsets that aren’t fruitful or joyful?

However, growth comes from reflection and inner seeking of where lessons are to be learned. I do this daily if not hourly at times. It can seem self centered but I’ve always lived in a constant state of feeling responsible for the feelings and well being of everyone around me.

It has taken me much therapy, faith, and years to accept that, in fact, very little of what I choose actually changes the trajectory for others. That we are each -responsible for our very own happiness. It’s a strange idea that I always knew I was the only one that could make me truly happy yet I simultaneously believe I was somehow responsible for everyone else’s pain and misery.

In this searching internally, I’ve realized that I would’ve liked to have gained some of this wisdom back when I had Gwendolyn. I realize now that I was driven greatly by two things. Firstly, that she grow up significantly better than I did. Secondly, that I prove that I was fit to be her parent due to the doubt of many around me. Society’s standards, even.

I recognize, in that quest, I likely stole some of her childhood and joy. I constantly would expect from her to be well behaved, to be mature, to be helpful and understanding. I didn’t let her be very messy, I didn’t let her run wild often.

I was so scared to be unfit. As a nineteen year old single mother, I was terrified of screwing this angelic baby up. On one hand the people telling me I was a great mom fell on deaf ears. On the other hand every doubt and criticism rang so loud in my ears it almost paralyzed me.

I could see this precious life that was reliant on me, I had no tools to know how to properly raise her. Sure, I knew to feed, hold, change, keep warm and safe. These were easily accomplished basics. It’s all the other “stuff” no one can tell you.

At thirty-five when I announced my pregnancy with my second child, everyone was ecstatic. No one doubted me or my abilities. Which is a strange thing to me considering I am the same person. Granted, a bit wiser and a little more financially stable. However, my tenacity to overcome adversity and my drive to do what’s best for my children is just the same and maybe even less prudent.

This time around, my child is allowed to be wild, messy, exploratory. Granted, she’s a lot. I catch myself worrying in the back of my head that maybe I should subdue her some. Instead I focus on guiding her to be a good person, a conscientious person, but a person who sees opportunities and learns, thrives, finds happiness in all the things she can.

It makes me sad that maybe I robbed Gwen of that in some ways. I know she knows I did all I’ve done out of love and honestly, some out of the fact that often, I was purely surviving. We were surviving. Just us, two young girls in the crazy world trying to keep our peace and learn to grow and thrive.

In hindsight, Gwen and I had many many good memories and grew together so beautifully. I am proud of us. God loaned me the most wonderful human I’ve ever met. I’m so proud to have played a small role in her life. She is all the things good in the world. She taught me to love, slow down, speak easy, priorities, grace, and a strength I never knew. She is honestly a shining light that you feel good just to be in her presence. I can always trust her to have great instincts and do the “right thing”. She has a silent strength that so many her age don’t have.

Now God has loaned me a wild and free spirit who loves and fights with the same fierceness. She teaches me patience, acceptance, opens my mind further than I imagined. Her love is her own and she only shows it when she genuinely wants to. So if you experience it, you know she’s means it with all of her little being. She’s my outlier, she may get into mischief but she’ll get herself out of it too. She has a brut strength that I see in myself as well.

I don’t live in regret. I recognize what I feel I could improve and I mourn the “what ifs” then let it go and commit to do better. My girls will always have me as long as I have a breath to breathe. I feel so very amazingly blessed to be on this winding road of life with these two humans. I’ll spend all my days growing and learning so that I can be the best support to them that they’ll ever need at any moment.

I’ve never felt more Christmasy or less. Simultaneously.

I decorated, more and less than I usually do.

I’ve overloaded on Christmas music.

I’ve not purchased as many gifts. I don’t believe gifts are synonymous with Merry Christmas, so this is not a negative thing.

I think there are a few reasons for my remiss Christmas spirit. Some are old, some are new. I feel all are legitimate. I am not pressuring myself to push past these feelings or authenticate something that isn’t there.

Firstly, I’ve lost a lot over the past year and a half. People, relationships, trust, dynamics. So the circle I once had to try to squeeze time in to see them all….has shrunk. It hurts. I do miss that. So much was not any of my “doing”. Therefore, I can’t beat myself up for setting boundaries. Doesn’t mean I don’t miss or wish well for the many that are now out of that circle.

As for the ones who passed on, I’m happy for them. They are free. Free from the draining and oftentimes harsh world we are in. However, I am grateful for the good in the world that is still around. I work with a group of people that have hearts of good, I have friends that I’ve never seen purer hearts, I go to church with people that love unconditionally.

One of my co workers makes me feel like I’m never doing enough, by the sheer fearlessness that she throws herself out to the world to offer her gifts. I’m her work boyfriend so it’s apparent in our relationship who leveled up.

I see these things as blessings. To have people that pass away and leave an immense hole in your heart means that you loved and were loved back, intensely.

Another reason is our two week RV trip we took at Thanksgiving. I never realized how pertinent this timeframe was to kickstarting Christmas for me. I apparently use that break as the starting line to a month long tradition of Christmas things. I’m okay with this. I’m okay that I took that trip and the result was a slower and lessened start to Christmas decorations and festivities.

I have to give a nod to the condition of Christian’s across the nation. Christian’s are famous for talking out about the “War On Christian’s”. Ironically it’s their bony fingered, hard nosed, squinty eyed condemnation, harsh judgements, better than thou, hiding my own sins, it’s all for the glory of God two facedness that is single-handedly driving kids from their home churches, not drawing in the lost, causing current Christian’s to feel dismal and unworthy. We don’t show enough boots on the ground love. We don’t reach out our hands to those who have fallen. We pick and choose who “deserves” our precious time and resources. That we worked so very hard for. No mention that God filled our cup up and over just so that we could give and give and keep giving without ever deciding whether someone “got theirselves in that position” or it will “enable them not to work”.

It’s a tough pill to swallow to acknowledge that so many I thought I’d never live up to as I was growing up, are weak, small minded, hateful, and all the things I was taught not to be, but behind closed doors is all it is.

I feel a shift coming, I’m forever hopeful in humanity, and I always know God is in perfect control. So I’ll do the little parts I can do each day to show His true love. I will still wish Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, or whatever reaches someone’s heart. I’ll still repent for when I know I didn’t do right, when I know Jesus would’ve never. I am never too far past to think that I’ll ever do it all right or even relatively close.

I am so very excited to see Shiloh on Christmas morning. She genuinely has started to grasp the idea, she has loved our family trips together, she loves giving and has been so excited to prepare for others. Warms a mamas heart.

I pray that each and everyone finds some peace, comfort, and happiness in this Christmas season. It’s been hard on all of us. I haven’t seen a person around me that hasn’t felt the wrath of life. I want to wrap each one in a warm hug. My home and heart are open. A call or a test a way.

So love to all! Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays.

Does it ever go quite as planned? The answer is, no.

As long as I can remember my life, I remember dreams of wandering around Mother Earth and soaking in all that she has to offer. This never left me. Not to mention, I have last way too many loved ones in the past 20 months. I refuse to sit with the mentality “I’ll wait until…” to do things that make us fulfilled, that bring joy.

For a year now, I have planned a 15 day cross country RV trip. To the letter, literally. I was so over prepared. Now that we are homebound, I realize in some aspects I over packed and over prepared. In others, I just didn’t have the knowledge to know what to expect.

I packed entirely too many clothes for Shiloh and I. However, none of which were really warm enough for the cold weather that we faced! So there was that, but we recycled and lowered our expectations and enjoyed it.

I planned way too many stops, but I also never calculated the immense amount of time I would spend waiting on 3 teen girls to get ready, just to exit the RV. Add in the amount of time Eric and Brian can spend looking at “treasures” and I learned to practice a lot of patience and long suffering!

The first moment I picked up the RV, I was nervous. No one on our trip had ever driven anything this large. We have never been responsible for an RV for two weeks, on our own! What if, what if?

I pushed on. We started off late OF COURSE! True Tinsley trip fashion. Maybe it’s our good luck tradition!

Our first stop was New Orleans, we arrived in the afternoon with no other itinerary than to see NOLA. That was an uneventful 13 hour drive. We saw right off the bat, gas was definitely doing to be a constant need.

Everyone was in good spirits, we were starving so we ate in the RV. The lovely atmosphere and great architecture was a fan favorite.

We stayed the night in a Walmart parking lot. I utilized apps like RVLife, RVParky, GasBuddy, Waze, and google to literally find all free accommodations and services for our RV!

Next stop, Galveston, TX/Stewart Beach. I promised Shiloh a beach and I had heard the words “I want to go to the beach, mommy” more in the past few weeks than I heard my own name. So we got that girl to the beach. She was in love.

Riding down the gulf coast, riding the ferry and seeing dolphins and a coyote were highlights of Galveston.

We headed on over to San Antonio after a quick chick-fil-a stop! The views of the RiverWalk at night were so nice that I was sad everyone was asleep as we rode through.

We stayed in another Walmart parking lot. Started out in the morning at a flea market, then touring The Alamo, RiverWalk, and The Missions. I would like to insert that the girls kept to theirselves, Eric and Shiloh occupied each other, and Brian consistently complained about the bumps and when would we be eating again or where was the next antique mall.

We has to dump the lav and pump more water for the first time, that is a video worth watching 🤣🤣🤣 Eric and I are a good team though, we may sound rough at first but we always accomplish the task well, then laugh.

I started two notable things, one was “Brian’s quotes of the day” and “what fell on the floor this time because we could never remember to secure everything”

We headed on to a short stop in Waco, then through Navajo Nation to explore the breathtaking landscapes and monuments made straight from Gods hands. I can’t speak enough on how not one photo did any justice, how peaceful it all was, how many miles one could go without seeing a shred of civilization, and how absolutely heartbreaking some of the conditions on the reservations were. At the same time there was a power, deep history, proud culture, beauty and feeling of one with the earth that I have never seen before.

I have always been an animal lover. When I was growing up my family would camp in large groups. One of my fondest memories included a conversation between my late Uncle Ray and myself. After I had spotted ANOTHER skunk, my uncle asked how come I was always the one to see the animals and I replied “Because I’m always looking for them Uncle Ray”. This is still true today. I am very sad to report that over 6,000+ miles the only animals I saw in the wild were a field mouse, a coyote, and some form of canyon deer.

I was blessed to see not one, not two, but three shooting stars on separate occasions. They were large and beautiful. They were when everyone else was asleep and I was just driving and listening to my true crime. I like to think it was a little inspiration from the loved ones I’ve lost over the last two years. This whole trip felt very spiritual. Good for my soul, no doubt.

Side note, thousands of miles equated to me listening to hours of True Crime Podcasts this mixed with the vast nothingness, skin walkers, complete darkness, and ghost towns had this girls hair standing on end.

Four Corners monument was our first stop in NN. This was fun, one of Brian’s quotes of the day, as Eric was insisting on taking a rock he found, Brian replied “Haven’t we taken enough from the Indians?“. I had to high five him on that one!

From there, we drove forever to South Rim Grand Canyon. It was late when we arrived so we ate at Dennys then parked in a Cracker Barrel parking lot.

For the first time since we had been on our trip, we saw rain. On one of the few days we were set to be outside solely! I prayed, we ate breakfast and then headed in to the Grand Canyon. Luckily, rain dried up! Nothing disappointed there. It’s breathtaking but also I felt like my heart would stop because I can’t seem to overcome my insane fear of heights. I was literally in fight or flight the whole time, despite my love of the majestic landscapes around me.

We headed to north rim, horseshoe bend area. This was a bit of a hike and everyone was hungry so only Eric, Shiloh, and I made the trek and we were so glad we did. Talk about beauty.

So now our trip got a little hairier. We had Zion park and Kannara Falls hike on our itinerary next. As it was getting late I Wazed a place to eat en route then subsequently a hotel to park in at the bottom of Zion park so that we could get up in the morning early, see the park then go hike. Or so my amateur self thought.

I blindly followed Waze all along, then I see signs that indicated we would in fact be IN Zion if we continued further. I thought to myself “this isn’t possible you have to pay to get in the park and there’s no way the ticket booth is open now”. The road gets more narrow, more curvy and it is PITCH black. Anxiety set in FULL force once I realize I could not stop nor turn around and we were trapped on these roads. the height of the mountain, width of the road, and the fact that in the dead of dark I could still tell that the skimpy guard rail that only covered part of the roads would not keep us from falling way too far down to our certain deaths. I trusted those brakes about as much as I trust any human….little to not at all. I kept calm and we eventually came through it and landed at the hotel. I was more than ready for bed at this point.

So I took a vote and no one wanted to drive back in that park. So we scratched that and head to hike the Kannara Falls. Remember when I said I over planned but then didn’t plan enough? This was an example. I brought my shoes that have small breathing holes all in them because for sure would be best hiking shoes in a desert right? WRONG! It was near freezing and we had to hike through water. I was near hypothermic for sure. The funny thing, I enjoyed it immensely. The kids, Brian and Eric kept on making me laugh and I commented that at least when I peed myself a bit from laughter it warmed me up. Our family killed this 4 mile hike through insane terrain, and we got to see beauty in nature first hand. Brian’s ad libs were the best. We laughed a lot. Eric and I split carrying Shiloh in baby carrier that we did have enough sense to pack! Lifesaver.

The teens were honestly the best. I couldn’t have been happier that they joined us, were helpful, in good spirits, and genuinely seemed to enjoy their selves. I know deep down, they just wanted to go to Vegas and LA 🤣

So, speaking of Vegas…it was up next. We spent the whole day there. Shopping and site seeing mainly but the atmosphere was lively, fun, and entertaining.

This stop, happened to be on Thanksgiving Day. I wanted to make sure no one missed out on a traditional style dinner. So with some planning and help from a dear friend, we made it happen. So in a parking lot off of Vegas Main strip we had a nice family dinner!

We decided to Segway to a Ghost town on the way to Santa Clarita. This wound up being at night. This was certainly some white people crap. I scared myself. What in the wrong turn meets The Haunting type shit was this? We had plenty of laughs but my intuition said “This is the exact scenario you would scoff at someone for putting theirselves in to”

If you know anything about the Tinsley’s, you know we love to scare and prank each other. This trip provided plenty of opportunity.

Surprisingly, this was not the scariest thing that happened that night. Remember me mentioning miles and miles of no civilization to be seen? This happened to be the longest stretch. I didn’t prep gas wise as I had every other day and for the love of God, between the mountains that I knew were just eating our gas, we just drove and drove and drove and I watched the gas gauge go lower. At one point I stopped, dumped our water tank so that we would weigh less. Eric wouldn’t take my offer of leaving his and Brian’s thrift/antique shopping finds on the side of the road. We saw a very strange individual walking roadside in the middle of the desert with nothing for miles either way. I was like well, this may be where we go. It’s been a good ride.

Thank the lord above a random off the road lone gas station crops up out of now where. I felt such a relief to have a full tank. We were able to get to Santa Clarita with no more incidents.

Two days in SC/LA was not enough. We had a wonderful time, relaxing, seeing good sites, and having a bunch of laughs. At this time, we sadly realize our trip was winding down. The ride home was a very long one too, but we were ready to get home at the same time.

We made one stop on the way home at Cadillac Ranch off Route 66. This was a neat experience and we went to a little local bar/restaurant then headed on our way again.

Not to be forgotten, a thought occurred to me over this trip. People in general place a lot of rules for what should and shouldn’t happen in life. They place a lot of structure around what is acceptable or not. I lived by this for a good while as well. However, the more I learned, the more I traveled, the more I saw I have realized the rules are a lot simpler and the list of rules is a lot smaller than we make it to be.

Our focus should be on what truly helps and gives back, all else is some man made narrative that doesn’t need to exist more than likely. For instance, I needed to go to the dr to have my stitches removed but it would have interfered with my trip dates. I removed the stitches myself on that RV. I was a little nauseous but otherwise I realized it wasn’t difficult!

I plan on doing this style trip again in the near future, I pray the kids want to join again. This was such a trip of firsts and quality time!

A tale of three professionals working on one f’d up little girl.

We should take a moment to laugh at the fact that I have had FOUR hour long counseling sessions this week. I mean, hey, nothing says I couldn’t use more.

I feel lighter. I do feel hopeful. I find it very funny that in a short period of time these individuals have learned to speak to me in a way that lets me know they “get me”.

Comments like “how about you write this down before you say it?” And, “write down what you’re feeling when you’re emotional and then process it is worth feeling or what compartment you need to pack it up in.” Even I’m amazed sometimes at my lack of embarrassment for myself. I literally never feel embarrassed.

Dang, I didn’t do this to myself on purpose though. Sure , I made some dumb choices….okay maybe a lot. However, I never tried to let them define me. I never tried to let them get me down.

And for someone who has had everything under the sun go wrong in life, I sure am one optimistic ball of nerves. I pray that rubs off on those around me. I pray at the minimum people see me and think, I can have hope too. Or at the least, they can laugh.

I did break down, ugly sobbing. Like sniveling crying. I mentioned Dave Forbes. Man those were the good days at the River. Josh, Dave, and Becky. You couldn’t find a more hard working, knowledgeable, loving, funny, and caring team. These guys busted their butts day in and day out for the whole River. With them in charge, we always knew everything would be okay.

Now it’s all different. We lost Dave. That sucks. Like in a monumental way. Now we lost Buzzo this year. Let’s not mention my two grandmothers, my god daughter, and my dear friend I’ve also lost in the last 18 months. It’s a lot of loss.

There are large human size holes in my life. In my heart. And in those of the ones these people loved and loved them back. IT SUCKS. We all still have each other, but life has changed. It won’t ever be the same. Change can be good. There is still more good to come. This season right here though, lamest one I’ve had in a good long while.

I did mention to my coach tonight, COVID had a lot of positives too though. I spent the last month of my nannas life Undistracted. I got months on end to spend with my toddler who is growing up way too fast.

I mean, look at this face! Who couldn’t be thankful for her, and time with her?? She’s wild. Don’t get me wrong. She’s the one God said “Oh, you want ANOTHER child?” I wouldn’t have her any other way.

It’s worth mentioning that both times I found out I was pregnant I IMMEDIATELY and without fail prayed for two beautiful girls that I would get to be so close to and do all the fun things with. God did not disappoint me AT ALL.

I literally knew God was no doubt real, the second I looked in Gwen’s eyes. She was perfection. I have forever felt so grateful to be lent these girls on this earth for the time that God has granted us. I have felt nothing better.

This comes up in counseling a lot. My obsession with my kids. I’m working on the healthy part of it. I used the phrase today “I’m possessive over my kids”. Words were thrown back at me like “needs” “control” “filling”. All accurate. I just want to be the best version of myself so that my girls see what a strong healthy woman looks like.

I am strong, just not as healthy as I could be. This past year and a half has provided lots of sadness. Which bubbled up lots and lots of sadnesses from my past. I’ll sort them out. So far so good, I’ll keep you guys posted.

Until next week, peace, love, and hair grease. Xo

So, maybe I’ve finally fallen off a mental and emotional ledge and I can’t get back, or my apathy has made me masochistic, but either way I agreed to two co -workers today that I will chronicle my 8 week counseling/life coach journey.

Anyone who knows me, knows I am an open book. Alllllll the way open. I fully believe to put words to what is in the dark takes away all the strength of that thing. If something needs to be hidden it is holding you hostage.

This being said, I’ve reached a point in my life where I can’t cover the issues that I distracted myself from for so many years while I was in survival mode. Now that my husband and I are more settled, kids are more independent, and my security blanket/therapist/love of my life/fountain of unconditional love passed away, these demons have come bubbling up.

They won’t go away. Not even a little bit. I swing from 100% apathetic to 100% overwhelmed and ready to throw a proverbial towel in. This isn’t fun, for me or anyone who has the misfortune of being around me for lengths of time. God knows my precious children didn’t ask for one second of this shitshow.

I refuse to do what the generations before me did and damage my children in my own ignorance and refusal to seek help. I will, absolutely, without reservation throw every resource I have at this issue and I will succeed. My children will see that is completely okay to be vulnerable, to admit the need to heal, to overcome something that felt at a time it would swallow you whole.

My children will know their mom is strong despite the tears. And they’ll know they are my reason, they’ll know they are worth every bit of counseling or therapy I ever have to go through.

So, this being said, I also am privy to a life coach. Now I find this amusing. Maybe I’ll be humbled and they’ll blow my mind. I rather fancy myself a savvy lady. The idea that someone could “coach” me is very interesting.

Stay tuned and we will see how this journey goes, for better or for worse!!

My Nanna always said “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. I failed miserably at this. However, I do believe there is some merit in this adage.

“Nice” is subjective. I am a proponent for honesty and I don’t believe being honest means you’re not being nice. Even if the receiver doesn’t like what you’re saying.

I also believe that should something we say or do harm others in any way, we should be cognizant of our footprints here on earth. I firmly believe God placed us here to love and not judge. FIRMLY BELIEVE.

This being said, if you’re personally offended or angry at someone standing up for equality, for someone advocating for their life, liberty, justice, pursuit of happiness, then you’re a crappy person. If you disagree then keep moving Karen.

The table of America is big enough to seat everyone. Someone finding their equitable seat at this table does not take your seat. Honestly, if it did, then you didn’t deserve it anyways.

No one is perfect. Duh. We all know this. However, if you can’t admit when there is wrong, or more importantly when you’re wrong, then you’re dead ass wrong. You’ll never be perfect. Every thought pattern you have isn’t the only thought pattern. And you CAN NOT INVALIDATE SOMEONES EXPERIENCE OR FEELINGS BECAUSE YOU HAVEN’T EXPERIENCED OR FELT IT.

One more time for those in the back YOU CAN’T TELL SOMEONE THEIR TRUTH. You are not the end all, be all. Your opinion is one of 7 billion. Very insignificant actually. Truly, most likely, only your mom and God value you near as much as you value your opinion.

If you can’t admit there is room for growth, change, love, empathy, and self reflection….then you’re dead already. Why are you still here? To impart your infinite wisdom behind the screen of your smartphone on Facebook to your unwilling audience on Facebook?

I’m so far from perfect, this is how I know these things. I try, fail and try again. However, when I’m at those pearly gates I pray God proudly reflects how I tried and always sought his wisdom and betterment of how I treated his children in my time here.

Be nice. Be considerate. Be open. Be human. Treat everyone like you’d want someone treating your own child. And if you can’t, be quiet.

36 years ago, my 16 year old mother had me. She came home to my nannas (her mother). From there a small team of my nanna, aunts, and mom raised me. The one that shined the most to me, my Nanna. She wasn’t dealt an easy hand ever. Something I have learned over the years though, often, the ones who have had little and suffered a lot are the ones who will give the most.

May 2019 we received a call that my Nanna has lung cancer. Fast forward it’s malignant small cell and she opted for no treatment. Legal papers and wishes ensued and we started trying to spend time as if we never knew when the last day was.

My mom out of nowhere stepped up and took her in 24/7 which is a huge blessing. I am ever grateful that she did that. We spent many a days all together. Her loving on her little “Chipotle”, me growing closer to my mom, prouder, and more understanding of her. Trying to savor each moment. It’s a strange thing to know someone is dying so much quicker right in front of your eyes.

You can’t hold their hand long enough, those hugs are too short. You start asking questions you had always wanted to ask. You wonder where their heart is. You stare at them a little longer. You’re kinder. You don’t expect much, just love and time.

I started feeling guilty living my life though. To a degree I felt guilty whenever I wasn’t with her or enjoying myself doing something. She told me herself “go have fun, you deserve it”. She always encouraged me to spread my wings, always told me to follow my heart. She was always there every single time I made a mistake. And I made so many. So very many.

I found out I was pregnant, she was initially angered at me because she just knew I’d go off and do “more”, but very quickly she was right behind me and told me it would be fine. I went in to labor with Gwen, she showed straight up the hospital and said quietly and lovingly the whole time. Having her always made me feel it would be okay. Nanna never left me while I was a single parent. She never left me when I was in the Masters program and working, she was always there to listen, always there to watch Gwen, always there. She was right there encouraging me to give Eric a chance. She watched us wed and supported me through the trials of new marriage. She supported me while I was a new step mom. She always led me with love and encouraged me to be patient and loving to all.

I failed her often. I hope I never disappointed her too badly. I watched her step up for her loved ones over and over. I aspire to be like that. I pray my legacy is that everyone knew I would help in any way I could.

When my uncle passed, my nannas first child and only son, she changed. I knew it right away. Life would never be the same, shortly thereafter, we lost his son, tragically. Both deaths left massive holes in everyone. More specifically her though. We aren’t supposed to lose our children. Even though she was broken, she still tried to give what she had.

I remember being hurt, because she locked her bedroom door and she didn’t open it when I knocked. Now, I’m a mother, I can’t imagine. And I only wish I knew to be more supportive and loving to her at that time. I didn’t know though. I told her later on over and over how I hoped I had never hurt her. She always said I didn’t. Who knows, it’s past now. My advice to anyone reading this though, just remember that. When you see people hurting, be kind. Don’t worry about being right, just be kind.

My heart will ache to see her again as long as I breathe on this earth. I know without a doubt, I will see her again. She taught me my love for the lord, as she had it. This is comforting.

I realized something in all of this. In the words of a show I saw recently “I’m okay with living, living is good. I’m even okay with dying, but this waiting to die thing is not okay”.

I realized, I wanted 20 more years. Was even bold enough to pray for them. I knew God could do whatever he willed. I also knew, she was tired. She had most likely been waiting to see her son. She served the world to the best of her ability. Maybe I needed to know that God was ready to let her rest. I was there with my two aunts, holding her hand as she drifted off. So slowly, so peacefully. It was heartbreaking but also comforting to know it was not painful and she was surrounded by loved ones.

I know why I am so devastated by losing my Nanna.
She literally loved me like God loves us. Nothing I ever did, she would never hurt me or make me feel bad. She loved me unconditionally through my worst. She never gave up and was always a safe space for me when I would roam and then come back. Steady. And she taught me sooooooo much. Like No one has loved me like her. People hurt people, it’s what we do. Somehow though she managed to always protect my feelings and lift me up. I can’t imagine the days she was tired, hurt, struggling, and I never knew it. She was so strong. I just won’t ever not miss her, not for a day.

Do most even know where they truly stand anymore? Have titles and sides become more important than humanity, compassion, working together to achieve goals, a sense of community?

Every corner you turn there is divisiveness. Coincidentally, every where you look you see people hurting, angry, saying they have so few they can rely on.

Why do we keep trying to point fingers instead of come up with working, all inclusive solutions? No one cares to find the roots of issues, they’d rather grab a side and start pointing fingers. It’s a disgrace to what we were created for.

A lot of this stems from the fact that most don’t know where to start, or the answers. Personally, I look towards the word. It’s pretty specific about loving one another, not thinking you’re better than another. FOR ANY REASON. It doesn’t mince words. But, hey that’s just my interpretation and what do I know? Obviously I’m some small town country girl who has hopefully only lived a third of her life at this point.

I know what my conscience can handle though. I refuse to be driven by fear. I refuse to live operating off of “My four and no more”. I refuse to accept lame excuses and flat out hate filled poorly veiled “reasons” for rudeness and selfishness.

There’s comes a point when you have to stop trying to rationalize someone’s actions, stop explaining them away to defend them. Sure, God expects us to forgive and to lift each other up, but that doesn’t give them a seat at every table, in every position.

I know where my seat is, I know who I want at my table too. Love all, but don’t condone all behavior at all costs. There also needs to be accountability and there can’t just be “at all costs” attitude. When is it too much?

I’ll tell you when, when it’s YOU or your loved one in the position that you were previously judging. When life lays you flat out. I’ll always be there person that will do what I can to help. I won’t judge and I won’t make you feel worse than you do already. I used to live life believing it was so right or wrong. I just knew people were terrible at times. Life has taught me, we don’t know something until we are in that situation.

We are human, we suffer from the same human condition. There is this funny way of being humbled that shows us we didn’t know a damn thing. I’ve been there over and over. I’ll never again take the blessings that God has given me for granted. However, I refuse to sit and act like it’s okay to dehumanize anyone.

When is enough, enough? How much are you willing to pay to be “right” in your thoughts. Without compromise and civic responsibility the world will never properly operate.

This will be pretty to the point….I find the fewer words garner the attention that it needs to get

Hypocrisy: the practice of claiming to have moral standards or beliefs to which one’s own behavior does not conform.

Illusory truth effect: the tendency to believe false information to be correct after repeated exposure.

Confirmation bias: the human tendency to lend more weight to information that supports what we already believe, and less weight to information that contradicts it.

Humans, particularly less traveled, less cultured, less exposed, less secondarily educated tend to be very one minded in their thinking. They feel if they entertain a new perspective or idea, it unravels their lifetime of beliefs. They think out of fear and conformity. No deviations are allowed. They are easily swayed by fear tactics. Easily riled to loudly support their beliefs without any consideration to facts, alternate ideas, or other possibilities.

This has went on since the beginning of time, and it will likely never cease completely. In a time of more resources than ever, we see people retreat and grasp harder and harder to the “old ways and ideas”.

Groupthink: the practice of thinking or making decisions as a group in a way that discourages creativity or individual responsibility.

Complaining without a working solution….is just complaining and adding to the issue.